You’ve finally got it right! You’ve landed yourself a jackpot with your new interest and they’re everything you’ve ever wished for. They say all the right things, they do all the right things, they make all right moves, they find all the right solutions to your problems. Nothing has ever felt so right!
Keep up with me now people..
You’ve decided what gender your first child should be.. hell, you’ve even discussed what colour the nursery will be! Your contemplating wedding venues, looking through all the different flowers in the local flower shop and scrolled through thousands of wedding boards on your Pinterest!
You still with me folks..
There’s a spring in your step and your skin is GLOWING! Everyone knows the person that you’re in a relationship with is responsible for it all! That, and the fact that you can’t stop mentioning their name in every single conversation that you have!
Are you ready for it..
And then, suddenly it all starts to go wrong! They say all the wrong things, they’re doing all the wrong things! They don’t understand you, and they’re the problem now! You stop skipping down the street, and your glow has been exchanged with dark circles.
They’re heading for the door, you’ve outgrown each other they say, they’re done with you, they need time away from you.
Start panicking ladies and gents..
“..How much time is time?”
“..Is 12 hours time, or is 12 years time? What is time?”
And then, just like that.. you’re on your own and the person you shared most of your life with is gone. There is an emptiness in your stomach that keeps growing and a shadow of darkness follows you everywhere you go.
Life as you know it is pretty much over, and you can’t find the will to go on.
You heart hurts.
It physically hurts so much, it just can’t get any worse than this! You don’t know if you’re going to get through this..
Well at least we now understand why it hurts so much! It’s Dopamine and Oxytocin stabbing at your chest giving you the feeling of a bleeding heart!
Everyone copes in different ways.
It does stop. There just isn’t a time frame. Dumpers cope better than dumpees but there is a journey even in this heartache.
Today I’m going to share the different stages of a break-up..
As the presenter on X-Factor says: In no chronological order, the 6 stages of a break-up!
Good old denial; the easiest of things to do! And in this instance it’s pretending that nothing is happening, even though you know the relationship is over. You choose to not believe it. Against your own judgement, and of those around you, you web fantasies of things still working out. You see glimmers of hope buried in clear indication that it’s over.
“..They’ve made a mistake”
“..They’ll come back to me”
“..There’s been a misunderstanding”
“..All is not lost!!
You tell yourself these things because these words give you a sense of comfort!
You’ll drown into such a deep state of denial – anything is possible! You’ll go to any length to convince yourself that it’s all one big understanding.
“..Someone has gotten into their ear and has poisoned their thoughts”
“..They had a dream and took it as a sign to leave me. I should let them know that dreams actually mean the opposite of what they show you. They’re totally wrong about this!”
“..An alien descended from the highest ranks of Mars and convinced them they would die a horrible death if they continue to stay in a relationship with me”
You succumb to the more easier solutions like denial, because reality is too painful face. By doing so, you temporarily derail the grieving process by replacing it with romantically inflated hope that the relationship can still be salvaged.
If you’re waking up in the morning with the break hammering you in the chest like a tonne of bricks then you’re safely tucked into the shock stage of your breakup.
Your thoughts will vary from being disposable, replaceable, and irrelevant as your brain spasms out of control trying to gain some understanding of what over really means. You feel as though your own identity has been ripped from you and you have no idea where to go, or what to do. You’re losing track of yourself, you’re losing track of your routine, you’re losing track of your time; while you un-track yourself from the world.
You’re so overwhelmed with living in a world without someone investing in your whereabouts, and your security. Without any knowledge on how ‘they who must not be named’ is coping you take it upon yourself to plunge into a world of anonymity.
Fear not my Damsels and Damoiseau’s! Shock is your survival instinct kicking into gear as you climb through your obstacle course of thoughts and unanswered questions. You may feel numb, your head may be out of space, and your mind may be unfocused; shock helps you make immediate life decisions and prepares you to manage real world obligations while you get through what you’re going through.
You’ll know your firmly in the stage of anger when you’re ready to throw the blame card around. Your emotions will stem from the most vulnerable parts of your soul and results into the expression of your anger. You’ll make rash decisions, you’ll burn the memories, you’ll shut everyone out.
Now your focusing on all the negative aspects of your old and now broken relationship, riling up hatred for ‘they who must not be named.’
On a brighter more lighter note; the anger you feel will begin to make you feel alive. It will empower you into feeling like you can take on the world that is deafened by your loss. It is part of your healing process, and the discomfort you feel during this stage will help you gain a better perspective on how your relationship actually was. When this happens, you can start making proactive changes, to help you move on with life
The waves are coming in stronger now and you’re not sure if you’ll make it back to shore.
You’re ready to do all the right things you didn’t do before, all the wrongs you made you’re now willing to make right! This is it now, you’re going to change for them, for the better!
You will now be willing to do anything to avoid accepting it’s over.
“..I’ll be better”
“..I’ll be more attentive”
“..I’ll be a better listener”
“..I’ll change.. Please”
To wipe away the stains of your own pain. you’ll attempt winning them back by any means. Of course, the waves are crashing now, and you’re panicking. The thought of being without ‘they who must not be named’ is intolerable.
As the thoughts of MISSION: win them back clouds your judgements, you need to remind yourself that you’re alone in this mission. The itinerary is your full responsibility. You’ll be placing the entire burden of repairing, maintaining and sustaining the relationship onto yourself. Although you gain the sense of control back, you’re really fooling yourself into believing the relationship is salvageable just as long as you perform a circus act to keep it.
You didn’t make it back to shore and the ocean has pulled you into its uproar.
You’re exhausted of all your options, and you’re now suffering from the worst withdrawal symptoms. You’re beginning to see the magnitude of your loss and you’re feeling overwhelmed.
You don’t have a choice but to focus on the present. You’ll drown in the waves of sadness and let them take you away from life. Depression pulls you by the shoulders, and you’ll sink in the torrents of hopelessness. It is hopelessness that will lead you into believing nothing will ever be or feel different from now. It forces you to feel like you will never move on and nothing will ever work out for you again.
You must acknowledge your depression as being there. Admit to your emotions, cry as much as your body will physically bare. To deal with the loss you have to feel the dreadful pangs of pain and sadness that comes with it. If you don’t see your sadness as being there, you won’t leave yourself any room to carve a new journey.
And then, the storm end. The slow waves carry you back to shore; reborn. It’s over, and you’ve gotten through it. You’ve made peace with your loss. You let the waves go and you prepare to move on with your life.
Acceptance can be the hardest stage for some, as you’ve disconnected yourself from the relationship. In all other stages, you continue to cling to the relationship, almost as though you’re still in it. In the acceptance stage, you finally release the sadness by withdrawing your energy and expectations away from ‘they who must not be named’ and into your life without them.
You no longer feel the need to fix things, or wishing that things were different . There’s a fresh smell of hope in the air and you’re no longer being held back from living. Although your break-up shattered your relationship with hope, acceptance allows you to redirect your feelings of hope into yourself.
You should remind yourself that even through this chaotic grievance period there is a method and a structure. Grieving is part of the human condition – without it, we would not be wired the way we are to handle the many pains and losses that occur in our lives.
Trust the magic of new beginnings..