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The Return Of My Eating Disorder

Dearest readers,

Shame hits my throat and burns my eyes as the last morsel of food I ate just half an hour ago is forced out of my stomach and into the toilet. Tears stream down my face as I flush the remains of my only meal down the drain.

I feel like you now know me on a more personal level. On a better level than those I am closest to. If you read my first post introducing my Eating Disorder to my blog then you will know that I have been suffering with this disease for as long as I can remember.
If you haven’t read this post of mine, then you can fill yourself in HERE!

It’s really hard for me to admit to the things I am about to admit to & I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself for slipping back into the darkness. I have now gone way past hiding behind my disease and pretending that it’s not there. I am now at a point where I want to document all the hurdles I face during my journey so that maybe one day I can touch a soul somewhere far and beyond & help them feel like they are not alone in this.

I am constantly badgered by the ugly voices in my head & I am unable to unburden the heaviness of my thoughts by openly speaking about my problems. I am physically unable to sit in front of someone & openly talk about the demons living in my bones without feeling like the floor underneath me is going to give way. My thoughts are disturbing and sick & I feel massively uncomfortable saying them out loud.

So again, here I am turning to my greatest outlet – writing.

I have spent so long hiding away from my disorder & I am only just grasping the ability to articulate it in words & confront my truths. Don’t mistake this as me being brave or showing courage because I am neither of those things. I just so tired, I am physically and mentally exhausted from pretending that everything is OK.

My last post was left at… “Eating disorders don’t happen overnight and neither does recovery.” In this post, I will explain to you exactly what that means.

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Ramadan this year was very difficult – especially for me. It had been a while since I had abstained from food for such long hours, putting my body through starvation mode after forcing it to eat at least 2-3 meals for almost a year took me back to a state of madness. It made running back to the safe and comforting arms of Cruella so much more easier.

I committed my days of Ramadan trying my best to spiritually cleanse my soul & I dedicated my hours to gain God consciousness. In the midst of this I also trained my body to starve again and as a result lost a lot of weight and by the time it was Eid my collar bones were pushing their way through my skin, my face was sunken, and I could feel my ribs through my clothes.

I looked at my self in the mirror & I was so pleased with how skinny I looked. I couldn’t even recognise myself when I look in the mirror. After getting used to my chubby cheeks and accepting the fact I will never lose the roundness of my face I was shocked to find how small my face had actually gotten. Had I finally gotten to my goal weight?

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I was so pleased with the way I looked I pushed Cruella away so far I was convinced I had got rid of her for good. She did her magic & I was skinny. 

I can eat again now. 

I can be normal again. 

I can have a normal relationship with food again. 

I can sit with my friends and family and eat like them again. I can finally be healthy and stop fighting with myself over food.

Except I can never be normal again. Can I?

I started eating comfortably. So comfortably I stopped keeping count of the number of meals I ate. I stopped keeping count of all the food I’ve swallowed and let enter my belly. I would eat 2-3 plates of rice and curry in the evening and I would top it off with an extra plate of rice and just butter.

I would sleep like a baby with a smile on my face because food was my friend again. This was the start of a new and beautiful relationship between me & food.

All that food slowly but surely turned to fat. Very quickly.

When I am happy I like to shop so off I went to buy myself some new clothes that would show off my new skinny body. I picked up some really cute dresses.

“They’ll look amazing on me and my new body” I thought.

Once I got home I tried my new purchases on & I was shocked to find they didn’t fit me so nicely.

I had put on weight.

The clothes were tight.

How had I put on so much weight in just 4 weeks.

Why aren’t these dresses fitting me properly?

HOW DID I PUT ON SO MUCH WEIGHT!

HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN!

HOW COULD I HAVE LOST CONTROL OF MY WEIGHT!

HOW

HOW

HOW.

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You can’t even maintain your weight”

“Everything that goes wrong is because of you”

“You don’t deserve food”

“STARVE”

She said.

So that is exactly what I did.

I started skipping meals again.

A fresh curry along with rice is cooked in my house every single day. The smell would reach my bedroom but I would refuse to eat.

I am always on the go at my job. This was a good excuse to start skipping lunch.

I didn’t want to drive my body to oblivion and at the same time didn’t want anyone to notice the drastic changes in my diet so I continued to eat breakfast.

I force feed myself crisps and biscuits and cakes and washed it down with red bull in the morning.

If I’m unable to purge this out within half an hour then I refuse to eat for the entire day.

& what do you know, the weight is shredding of as I type.

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To silence Cruella’s nasty remarks and complaints I drowned her voice by picking up new books to read about girls suffering with disorders as well as frantically searching the internet for movies or documentaries of girls going through the same thing as me.

It’s my biggest trigger.

That’s why I do it.

To my delight, Netflix released its newest original To The Bone & I was ready to dive into the deep end of the Disordered Pool.
The film tells the tale of young woman suffering from anorexia. Yet another story of a middle class white girl who is disturbingly skinny. Yet another stereotypical representation of the disorder. Yet another story of a girl who is told by her doctor she must eat if she wants to live. Yet another story of a girl whose spine is painstakingly poking out of her back. She is gray and gaunt. Her body is bruised from excessive exercising. She looks ill. She looks unhealthy. She has an eating disorder.

SHE ALSO LOOKS LIKE EVERYTHING I AM NOT.

“YOU DON’T LOOK DISTUBINGLY ILL.”

“YOUR SPINE IS NOT STICKING OUT THROUGH YOUR SHOULDER BLADES NEITHER IS IT SCATTERED WITH BRUISES.”

“ YOU DO NOT EXCESSIVLY EXCERCISE”

“YOUR FACE ISN’T GAUNT IT’S ROUND”

“YOUR BONES DON’T SHOW AS MUCH AS HERS”

“YOU DON’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER”

“YOU NEED TO LOOK LIKE HER TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER”

“YOU NEED TO BE AS SKINNY AS SHE IS”

“YOU ARE NOT SICK, YOU ARE JUST FAT”

“YOU DON’T NEED ANY HELP YOU NEED TO LOOK MORE LIKE HER”

“DOCTORS WILL NEVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY”

“YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE HELP BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT”

said Cruella.

& this tipped me off the edge.

After watching the film I genuinely felt like I could never seek help or treatment for the demons that parade around in my head as I don’t even look like someone who is suffering from an eating disorder.

I don’t look frail or like I need help.

I don’t look like I’m suffering.

I don’t look like I haven’t eaten a meal in a week.

I am fat and will always be fat until I look like you can snap me in two with your bare hands…

Until I am hooked up to a machine that feeds me trough a pipe I am not ill.

Until a doctor sits me down and says to me “You need to eat If you want to live” I can’t consider myself as someone who is ill let alone seek any help for it!

In a twisted and sick way my eating disorder helps me feel like I am in control of something. When everything else in my life goes to shit and I am unable to control the crumbling pieces of my world from falling and burning to the ground the one and only thing I can run back to in full force in my disorder. That’s is the only place I feel sane. That is the only place that makes me feel like I have a purpose. That is the only place I can go and hide and find solace within.

The fact that I am able to control my food intake, I am able to restrict myself from the things we need to live on a day to day basis and still survive. I am able to get through my day to day life with just red-bull turning into acid in my stomach and still be ok. It makes me feel powerful. As though I have a superpower nobody else does.

I am the person behind my disorder. I am feeding it. Me and & Cruella, hand in hand, creating a storm in my mind and destroying all the flowers in there.

People talk about rock bottom in the most glorious way. It’s known as this dramatic & life changing turning point, where everything suddenly comes to a halt and all becomes clear. I haven’t hit rock bottom. Instead, I have carried a cloud of darkness around with me for as long as I can remember. I have allowed this cloud to suffocate me a little bit more every single day. I have been hanging off the edge of a cliff by the scruffs of my fingernails, scared to look down.

& now I have finally let go.

Love always
NmDiaries ♡

PIN ME!!!

 

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37 Comment

  1. It must be hard that constant battle. I remember when I was diagnosed with lupus. I would spend days in the toilet puking it out and taking laxatives. Its that horrible voice in your head that makes you feel that you just have to. Not that it ever helped. But sis, you need to get help. Its not healthy and you will destroy your insides. I am with you in this if you need my help, but please try and help yourself!

  2. You are an amazing humanbeing & so insanely strong for sharing this all with us.
    I noticed that Ramadan seems to be the trigger and I’m aware how it all goes. I also know that pregnant women & older people don’t have to keep themselves from eating during the days. I was thinking, that would it be completely out of the table if you skipped Ramadan as well? I know it’s super important and brings you closer to Allah and stuff, but I don’t believe that Allah would mind, as it’s no good for you. I’m sure you’ll find different ways to get closer to your god. And I don’t want to step on anyone’s feet here or be rude or anything (I hope you don’t think I’m being rude) when I’m writing this, it was just something that came to my mind.
    I hope it will get better for you & I know it will get better for you. It won’t define you and it won’t take control over you, you’ll be controlling it one day. Stay strong, I’m sending you lots of love.

    1. I agree Allah swt does not burden a soul and therefore u shouldn’t fast in Ramadan as it’s clearly a trigger for your disorder. Muslims that are sick/have ill Heath young children elderly and pregnant/nursing women are exempt from fasting. May he cure you from this disorder and kill off this cruesela permanently. Ameen. U r beautiful as you are may u stay strong during this time of hardship x

  3. Dear, you look so beautiful and you have a great body. Please, be aware of that! You are amazing just the way you are. When you eat have in mind that food is there to give you energy through the day. Don’t feel guilty after you eat… try to enjoy more. But if it’s hard for you, ask for a help, But trust me you are one beautiful woman!!
    I am sending you lots of lots love!!!

  4. Such a wonderful and motivating reading! Hope you are feeling better now and please, try to be healthy first of everything else. You are strong and you will win again, don’t ever forget this. And you are beautiful, you really are!

  5. It takes a lot of strength to pen down these thoughts and feelings. On that alone you should be so proud of yourself! I understand your frustration in regards to how this condition is stereotyped in media. It sucks when people don’t take you situation or experience seriously because you don’t fit the stereotype. Hang in there girl, it’ll get better soon x

  6. I could resonate so much with this as I suffered from anorexia/bulimia over 20 years ago. I would barely eat but then would walk 2 miles a day at a fast pace. I lost so much weight so quickly that when people started telling me how great I looked, it was encouragement for me to keep losing. I don’t know really how I ever kicked the habit, but all these years later, I can finally say I’m okay with my body. Would I like to lose the 24 lbs I’ve gained since December? Yes. Do I want to lose it bad enough to go back to feeding my disorder? I don’t, at least not yet.

    Thank you for being so courageous and for sharing your story for others. From my heart to yours, I wish you love and healing. You are beautiful. You are kind, You are important.

  7. Sharing all this personal info with us makes you a very brave and strong person. I am very positive that with focus and hard work (with yourself), you will be healthy once and for all. You can do it girl.

  8. This breaks my heart. I’m glad though that you don’t let your eating disorder define you.
    It takes courage and it’s obvious that you are a strong and beautiful woman 🙂 Sending positive thoughts and vibes over blogosphere. x

  9. That’s so brave to share this journey! I had some issues with food at some point in my late teens, and it was not fun. Sending you lots of hugs and wishing you even more strength!

  10. That has to be so rough. I have had friends go through eating disorders and it can be so hard on them as if they are fighting something that no one else can see. And it all has to do with the relationship with food, which one has to have to survive. It’s hard. I will be thinking good thoughts for you on this journey and hope that things improve. Thank you so much for sharing.

  11. Wow, reading this takes me right back 9 years ago I had an eating disorder. I was at uni and I was a size 12-14 and I absolutely hated my body. I hated my face. I hated everything about myself. Then one day I got sick with glandular fever and I was in bed. I wasn’t eating and i couldn’t stomach food. I lost so much weight I actually had a fleeting moment where I loved my body. I was excited to go to get some new clothes that would fit my new body and I was grateful I had been so poorly. Then the vicious cycle began again. I got better and then fell back into eating normally. The body hate and starvation began again. It was almost a year later a few of my friends called an intervention and confronted me, telling me they thought I had an eating disorder. I was afraid that they’d try and get me to get help and I felt so ashamed and annoyed that they were watching me. Instead they arranged a meeting between me and a girl that had suffered from anorexia and bullimia for years. She had been admitted to rehab 3 times before. But, she was now fully recovered and had turned her life around. At the time she was studying nutrition at Uni and she asked if she could help me. We spoke at length and it was nice to hear someone who knew and understood how I was feeling. Then she asked me if I’d considered eating the right foods instead of having a bad relationship with food. She got me to find out my blood type and showed me that every blood type reacts differently to foods. It made sense because some of my friends could eat things all day long that made me bloated and uncomfortable. I reluctantly and slowly started a blood type diet coupled with doing exercise videos I found on youtube a couple of nights a week. The transformation was incredible. I went from a size 12-14 to a comfortable and natural size 8 and I was finally happy. And I did it without starving myself. And I did it with eating lots and lots of foods that actually transformed my body and mind for the better. Not only that, but my skin and hair (which suffered badly when I was starving myself) became shiny and no longer dry and flaky. Now I’m not saying this will work for you. But I wish someone had put this in front of me a lot sooner. I also booked myself in to speak to a professional and although they helped a little bit with the inner feelings I was having, it was my relationship with food that ended up changing everything. I hope this helps. xxxx

  12. Let the people close to you read this, let your doctors read this, you need to establish a healthy relationship with food v soon. It’s imperative.

  13. Reading this gave me such heartache because I recognize myself in this so much, You never really “get better”, you learn to manage your triggers and to control the nasty, horrible voice in your head that tells you you’tr not thin enough. But it does get better, I promise.
    All the love.
    Katja xxx
    http://www.katnapped.com

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