Welcome to the year of NmDiaries!
I am speaking out my goals into existence so that the Universe can hear them, grasp them, and conspire to make them happen.
Like my old pal Paul Cohello says:
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
My sisters friends are my most loyal readers & without even knowing them as well as my sister does they all support my blog to its end. Its so overwhelming to know there are real people out there reading my work and waiting for the next post. One of her friends Marya asked if I was going to release a post on New Years Resolutions & I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of writing one up myself!
I know why I haven’t – because I am lazy and I am not the best person on the world wide web to help you with keeping New Years Resolutions especially since most of them are usually about losing weight, or going to the gym, or starting a fitness plan etc. These are things I absolutely cannot stick to so don’t even attempt it.
I have an eating disorder (which you can read about here) so losing weight is a daily battle for me. You can probably understand why fitness and weight loss isn’t on the top of my list of resolutions since I’ve pretty much nailed how to control my weight through starvation & purging.
For me, resolutions mark the beginning of the end. They make me want to start the year in a fresh way but at the same time I don’t believe in setting goals that I know I will not keep. What’s the point in making myself feel like a failure by the end of the year? I’ll take the lazy route and focus on the growth of mind instead. My spiritual growth. The growth of my inner Goddess.
Let’s get the ball rolling with:
Problem: The way that I see myself is a problem. The way I feel about myself is a problem. I tend to focus how not to make mistakes in my life rather than focus on my own growth. I have a problem with thinking to much about the negative outcomes of an opportunity rather than think of all the things that can come from it. I talk myself out of most of the good things in my life rather than talk my self into continuing them. MY eating disorder contributes to this as I can bring myself to believe I don’t deserve the food that I know my body needs but we’re not here to talk about that today. What we are here to talk about is how my self esteem is a result of my reluctance to expect a little out of life for myself. Sometimes I think it’s wrong to want to be successful and want so many things for myself. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I am my biggest enemy. I don’t do myself any favours at all.
Plan Of Action: The first thing I need to learn to do is to avoid negative self talk. I can talk myself down a lot. I know I can be quite harsh on myself; my older sister often reminds me how hard I can really be on myself. This is something that I need to rein in. I need to give myself a break – I am a human not a machine. I produce emotions not work. It is impossible for me to take on the entire universe worth of work and not have any help. Most times I am under the impression that I must be self reliant because the whole world is against me and nobody wants to help. These poisonous thoughts will drive me to oblivion one day so I am attempting to train these thoughts so that I can grow some of my own self esteem.
Problem: Whenever I tell someone I lack confidence they laugh at me and try to tell me otherwise. I can be quite loud when I am comfortable around you. I can be quite blunt when I care about you. I don’t find myself funny but I am known to have a unique sense of humour. Because of this people think that I am full to the brim with confidence but I honestly am not. I am the shyest person I know – the thought of getting up on stage in front of a handful of people to perform scares the living daylight outs of me. I was never any good at giving presentations at University and whenever I am nervous you can physically hear my voice shake. Its a horrible horrible HORRIBLE feeling but this year I am ready to overcome that.
Plan Of Action: The word confidence derives from the Latin word trust. What confidence really means is to have trust in oneself and that is what I lack. I don’t trust myself. I started going to poetry events last year – open mic nights where poets would get up on stage and perform to a room full of the most supportive crowds I have ever seen. I have decided that I am going to get up on that stage and perform my poems to the room. This is going to be a massive struggle for me as the thought of getting up in front of people makes me physically sick. I know that the first time I do it I’ll be unstoppable after that. I have to get the first time out of the way in order build my confidence. I don’t know if i’ll be fine on stage or whether i’ll lose my voice I have never experienced it before in my life & I have to in order to find out if its for me or not! Not only will this help me expose my poetry but it’ll also help me with networking with other poets which is my biggest goal of 2018 really.
Problem: My mind is constantly in overdrive. Similarly to how my body was in constant hunger mode during my teens. I used to feed my hunger food back then which seemed like a pretty easy solution to my problem. With my mind however, with how delicate and fragile it really is – there is no easy route to fix it. There isn’t a button I can press at the centre of my forehead that will stop my thoughts. They just keep going and going and going and towards the end of the day I have a pulsing nerve on the side of head.
Plan Of Action: One of my managers is really in yoga. He does 45 minutes worth every single morning and swears by the difference it makes to his life. He has sworn by the entire lifestyle change starting yoga has given him and I have tried getting into it myself ever since. I haven’t been able to focus on the exercise side of things but I have grown a liking to the meditating side of yoga. The breathing exercises. One of my favourite things to do is to close my eyes and to focus on my breathing for at least 5 minutes until it becomes consistent. I then look at myself from bird eye view and drift further and further into space watching myself turn into a tiny dot. This helps me to realise how small my problems are and how small I really am. Anything and everything can get solved if I put my mind to it because there is an entire universe out there that is bigger than me and my problems.
Problem: I am a very aloof person. I can be quite distant and reserved. I can come across as cold and intimidating but I am honestly a nice person. Well, I like to think of myself as a nice person anyway. Moving forward – because of this nature of mine I can be quite hot and cold with the people in my life especially my friends! My god, I see my friends here and there throughout the year. I barely reply to any of their messages because I am absolutely SHIT with my phone. Sometimes I cancel plans sometimes I lie about having other plans just so I can stay in bed. I don’t want to bother anyone with my company and also don’t want to be bothered by others.
Plan Of Action: It’s great that I enjoy and appreciate my own company so much – I mean there are many girls who aren’t able to spend days on end with just themselves. What is greater than this is maintaining a stable relationship with the people who love you. I spent a lot of time with my two sisters towards the end of last year and it was really really awesome. We haven’t always been close, I mean me and my younger sister and had fist fights before now spending time with my siblings feel like golden hours to me. Time I will never ever get back – memories we will laugh over in years and years to come. We were only able to do so much last year together because I finally got out of my room and decided to. Other than this – I very rarely see my best friend Samiya. We had decided to see each other at least once a month and I am trying to stick to that religiously this year. We used to see each other every single ash when we were at school and now that we both work full time our hectic lifestyles rarely allows us to spend quality time together. Her birthday very recently passed and I only realised how little tome we really spend together through the lack of photos we have of ourselves over the years! 2018 is the year of photos Samiya! Prepare yourself!
Problem: Belief in myself is a rocky ship. There are times where I will believe the moons and the starts are in the palm of my own hands and I am able to conquer the world if that’s what I wanted. Then there are times where I feel like I will never accomplish anything in this world, I am a complete and utter failure and that I have no real purpose in this world. I don’t believe in my writing, I am scared about sharing it in case it isn’t liked or understood. My self morale is very low and this is something a lot of people who actually know who I am as a person can’t understand. I am confident and believe in everyone else but I lack that belief when it comes to myself so much. I don’t think I’m amazing or made out of gold dust, I don’t even think I’m very much liked most of the time and that stops me from doing a lot of thing.
Plan Of Action: This problem of mine is rooted into my veins. I have been bought up to care more about what others think. It has been ingrained in me to believe the opinions of others over my own. I will only learn to stop doubting myself when I block all the other peoples voices in my head and focus on my own voice. Growing up I have taken the voices of people who were important to me and I criticize myself in their sharp tones and compare myself to others just like they used to do to me. My expectation of myself has been molded over the years by others expectations of me and the lines between what I want for myself and what others want for me have been blurred. To change this I have to change my mindset and only then will I see a change in my thoughts and behaviour.
Problem: I am extremely passionate about my craft. Now this isn’t the problem – everyone should be passionate about something. My problem is taking my craft to the next level. MY blog & my Instagram have been a hobby for me which has helped my mental sanity for almost 3 years. For these three years however my blog has not had any real direction & I have used it as a platform to document my thoughts, my feelings, and my whereabouts. Last year however I took a huge step and published the biggest secret I have carried around in my heart for 10 years. I wrote about my eating disorder & I it dawned on me that that was what I wanted to use my platform for. I wanted to speak loud and proudly about my eating disorder so my fellow sisters in the South Asian community can feel like they have someone they can relate to. That there is someone out there going through what they are. I have expressed this in the post I wrote itself but I will mention it here too – When searching and reading on Eating Disorders the disorder will always be represented by a stereotypical white girl from a middle class background who is painfully thin. I could never relate to these girls growing up. In my community mental health in itself is a taboo subject – girls from our communities are pristine and perfect – to let people know they suffer from a mental disorder means they are flawed and nobody wants that. That’s the change I wish to make with my platform.
Action Of Plan. I will be posting a blogpost relating to mental health or my eating disorder at least once a month. It should be a continuous theme throughout my blog. People should know and be aware of what I stand for, what I believe in. To do this I need to remain consistent with posting but at the same time need to avoid drowning in too much work as I work a full time job Monday-Saturday. Since creating NmDiaries I have posted and given my blog time as and when it wanted to. This year I am treating my blog like a second full time job. After I finish my first shift at 5:30PM I am starting my second shift at NmDiaries at 6pm. I have to invest my time, my focus, my energy, my love, my everything into this if I want the result I am really after.
THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR CONTINUOUS SUPPORT OF NMDIARIES. LETS DRIVE MY BABY TO THE STARS!
What are your thoughts on New Years Resolutions? If you keep any I would love to know some of your New Years Resolutions?